Last week I wrote a post about how I had been struggling with burnout. Truthfully this week started off even worse, due to a combination of terrible things happening in the world, but I’m trying to work on getting myself into a better headspace by finding little things that make me happy and treating myself to as many of them as possible.

I am a person who definitely enjoys simple pleasures. I don’t need anything grand or extravagant; little happinesses suit me perfectly. Since writing my burnout post I’ve been trying to pay particular attention and take note of the things that have been making me feel good and decided to write about them, so I can look back and have a handy go-to list when I’m feeling blah.

I typically start my workdays with exercise. I like getting my workout done at the beginning of the day and starting my morning with movement tends to put me in a better mood. Once I’m finished working out, I definitely need a shower desperately, but lately I’ve found myself having a lot of anxious and racing thoughts while I shower. Bill recently got a Bluetooth speaker and he helped me sync my phone to it so that I could listen to music while I get ready in the mornings. It’s helped so much with my anxious shower thoughts! Instead of overthinking while I shampoo my hair, I can focus on the music. I created a short “shower playlist” on Spotify for myself and am only putting songs on it that make me feel happy, calm, or energized. So far it’s doing the trick!

I also decided I needed a new evening ritual as I’ve been having trouble falling asleep at night, even though I feel tired. Since I’ve fallen a little bit behind on my 2021 goal to read 24 books by the end of the year, I decided that reading would be the perfect before-bed activity. Nearly every evening for the past week, I’ve brewed myself a cup of lavender chamomile tea and taken it, along with two Dove dark chocolates, to bed with me to read for the last hour before I go to sleep. I had just finished a Jen Lancaster memoir and needed a new book to read, so I chose to begin the Harry Potter series again. I’m halfway through the first book, and honestly even though I remember liking it I quite forgot just how much I love the series. Reading it again is making me SO happy, which is a nice feeling to end the day with.

Speaking of rituals, who washes their hands more often than they ever imagined possible now? Uh, that’d be me. Back at the beginning of the pandemic, hand soap became incredibly difficult to find and I tasked myself with placing orders with Bath & Body Works to stock up on soap and hand sanitizer. Since I was buying everything online, I had no idea what any of it smelled like and was ordering solely based on names of scents that I thought would be nice. Some of the choices I made turned out to be duds, but others are delightful. Over the weekend I needed to replace one of the soaps in our guest bathroom and randomly selected a Violet and Freesia scented one. I washed my hands with it just to try it out, and it was like the clouds parted and the heavens opened up and cascaded down the amazing scent. I liked it so much that I put it in my own bathroom instead and got a different soap for the guest bath. Something about the smell reminds me of when I was living alone in my Victorville apartment, back when I was 22, but I can’t recall what I was using at the time that smelled similar or why it’s triggering a pleasant feeling of memory. The Violet and Freesia soaps aren’t currently available at Bath & Body Works, but I hope they bring it back so I can buy more.

Another scent I’ve been obsessed with lately is the Malicious Women Co. candle I bought for myself on a whim. I have a bunch of different candles from the company, which is woman-owned and based here in Snohomish County, and I really didn’t need another one but I got upset when an anti-vaxxer group started trolling them online and I wanted to show them some support. The new candle is Anxiety Girl, and the scent is Lavender and Coconut Water. I love it and it helps me to be less of an anxiety girl myself.

Feel-good TV has been making me happy lately, too. I was inspired to start re-watching Friends after the reunion special aired earlier this summer, and just like the Harry Potter books, I knew I loved this show but I forgot just how much. Everything about it makes me happy. In addition to re-watching an old favorite, Bill and I discovered the show Ted Lasso on Apple TV, binge-watched the first season, and are now caught up in the second season and watching new episodes as they air. The show is not only funny, but it’s heartwarming and positive and just has a feel-good vibe.

I’m hoping that by focusing on things like this that make me happy, I’ll be able to battle my burnout and start feeling better.

This morning, I got up a little earlier than usual so that I could work out before an 8am meeting. In between getting ready for work, I started a load of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, and ran the dishwasher. I took a shower and had my breakfast, then sipped my first cup of coffee of the day during my meeting.

To an outsider, I’m sure this sounds like I’m doing okay. I’m being productive. But the truth is, seeing dishes in the sink sometimes makes tears well up in my eyes because I just can’t figure out how I’m going to have the energy to wash them. I’ll run a load of laundry in the dryer a second time, not because it’s still damp but because I just can’t make myself fold it yet.

Last week I was feeling anxious and out of sorts and by Tuesday I finally lost it and sobbed as I sat at the desk in my room that is also my workspace now. Sometimes I feel like I barely leave my bedroom, and I wish desperately for a different space to work from but there just isn’t any other place in the house that makes sense. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated and sad. Living through this pandemic for the last year and a half, pressing pause on pretty much every part of my life that I enjoy, and seeing just how little some of my loved ones care about other people has drained my very soul.

This week feels even more difficult, because the heat has returned along with smoke from nearby wildfires. Not only is it hard being cooped up inside because the air is too unhealthy outside to breathe, but I feel so depressed thinking of the fires and all of the loss of life and destruction that comes with them. I remember a time when wildfires were not part of Northwest summers and I hate that we as a species have hurt the very earth we live on so terribly that this is now a normal part of the year.

I know I’m fortunate to have a home and a stable job and that all of my basic needs are met. I am so grateful to all of the people who worked so hard to develop a vaccine so that I could have a little bit of my life back. I count my lucky stars every time I’m able to spend time with friends, because we got so very little of that for a year. I can’t imagine what it’s been like to be an essential worker for the last year and a half, being screamed at and talked down to and mistreated by people you’re trying to help, and it scares me to think that, as bad as I feel right now, that they must be feeling so much worse.

I wish I had something useful or positive to end this post on, but I have no helpful tips or advice for dealing with burnout. I’ve read a lot of articles on the subject and I honestly don’t know that there’s anything in particular that can help. So I guess for now all I can do is accept that I’m not feeling great and hope that writing about it will help purge it from my mind a little. And then I’ll brush away the tears, make another cup of coffee, and tackle my email inbox, because what else can I do but keep on going?

We’re in the middle of an historic heat wave in the Seattle area, with temperatures in some areas hitting (or breaking!) 100 degrees. Luckily it isn’t quite that bad in Edmonds, but we’re still seeing record heat and the high for today is supposed to be 97 (as I write this, it’s hit 90 and it’s just now noon).

While I am normally a person who loves summer and the warm weather that comes with it, we just aren’t prepared for this kind of heat in Western Washington. While more and more places are putting in central air conditioning, a lot of us still don’t have it and we have to rely on fans and window units to keep our condo as livable as possible. Even with that, it gets really hot in our house. Last night we went down to the beach, where it was breezy and a little cooler and where we could put our feet in the Sound and let the cold water cool us down somewhat.

Today is supposed to be the hottest, and thankfully temperatures will drop a little as the week goes on. But it’s not going to get “cool” by any means, with forecasted highs still in the high 70s to low 80s.

For me one of the hardest things about this weather is that not only is it next to impossible to keep our house cool, but I’m also stuck indoors because it’s just too hot to do things outside. My daily walks are just not a good idea in this heat and there’s no way I’m going to hit my June step goal. Bill and I did get up early this morning to do our workout before the day started warming up and I’m proud of us for that. It’s too hot to have the oven on so I didn’t get to make my normal breakfast of egg muffins, but I got the turkey bacon and egg white breakfast sandwich from Starbucks instead and I feel like overall it was a decent alternative. I have dinners planned for the week that are healthy but don’t require use of the oven, as I’m planning to run to the grocery store after work and pick up some premade chicken to put in my salads instead of having to cook.

I’m proud of myself for finding some healthy alternatives to stay on track, but I’m trying hard not to be really bummed about missing my step goal this month. I already knew that with my shifting focus on how I was going to count calories that the original goal I set at the beginning of the month wouldn’t work out, but I was okay with that because I felt like I was working toward a more sustainable and successful method of approaching my nutrition. But it’s hard not to feel a wave of emotion at what does feel like backsliding and missing multiple goals that I set.

I’m trying to be gentle with myself and also to remember that things like extreme weather do happen and that I didn’t gain all my progress in a week and I won’t lose it in a week either. I’m going to stay consistent with my workouts and focus on progress, not perfection.

Like most people we know, Bill and I are now fully vaccinated against COVID-19. With the exception of flying to San Diego last month (something I never would have done prior to being vaccinated), not a lot has changed for us. We still don’t eat inside restaurants, we aren’t going to the movie theater, we wear our masks religiously inside stores even if it isn’t required anymore.

Truthfully, I still have a lot of anxiety about the prospect of getting sick. Even if I caught something other than COVID, I know being ill for the first time in almost two years would freak me out. And the truth is, I like not getting sick. I really like it. If wearing a little piece of cloth over my face means I never have to suffer a stupid head cold again, it’s well worth it.

While our closest friends seem to be on the same page as us and are remaining more cautious, I know plenty of other people, both vaccinated and unvaccinated, who have tossed aside their masks and are back to their pre-pandemic way of life. When a family member or friend texts me to gloat about how amazing it felt to go shopping sans mask, I don’t really know what to say. At this stage of things, I think they’re making a mistake, but it’s not really my place to tell them so. But I also don’t understand why these people feel the need to tell me about their behavior in the first place, since they are all people who know I think it’s too soon for that.

It’s okay to be anxious about the loosened restrictions and I am not going to be pressured into changing my behavior just because the option has presented itself. I have to do what I feel is right for me and what I’m comfortable with, and that extends into who I spend my time with. After a lot of anxious consideration, I regretfully turned down an invitation to a family gathering next month because it’s being held indoors and not all of the attendees will be vaccinated. Spending an extended period of time in close quarters with unvaccinated people is not something I’m ready to do and I finally came to the conclusion that the best way to handle these situations is to just be upfront about why I don’t want to go. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about my loved ones, but it does mean that I am prioritizing myself and my health right now.

I’ve had people tell me that I need to “just live my life”, to which I say, I am! I am not a shut-in. I have game nights with vaccinated family members and friends, and Bill and I have started dining out at restaurants that offer outdoor seating (and by that I mean true outdoor seating, not a fully enclosed tent which is now effectively just a new indoor space). When I flew for the first time, I was definitely a little nervous, but overall I handled it well and I am comfortable with the idea of doing it again.

I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to try indoor dining again, or go to a movie in a theater, or attend a party when I don’t know everyone’s vaccination status. I suppose I’ll watch and wait, and see if case numbers continue to fall or if we see another surge as a result of the loosened restrictions. As for masking up, I see that being a permanent staple in my life, at least in large crowds indoors and during cold and flu season. It’s such a small thing to do that yields such great benefits that I don’t see any reason to stop. After all, being sick sucks, no matter what I’m infected with!

Yesterday, I found myself with a random day off from work, which gave me a chance to do some things I’d been wanting to take care of but haven’t gotten around to doing after work. The weather here has been much warmer than usual for June, so I wore a simple black dress (with pockets!) and some sandals instead of my now-typical casual look of leggings or jeans and a t-shirt. It felt nice to look nice.

My first stop was Comstock Jewelers in downtown Edmonds, to drop off my wedding rings for their annual rhodium replacement. Comstock is a family-owned business that’s been in Edmonds since 1978, and I like to think that my grandfather Not only do I love that both of my rings came from a local jeweler (that was really important to me when we started shopping for engagement rings what feels like forever ago), but Comstock is fantastic and my rings always look amazing when I get them back.

After I’d dropped off my rings, I walked over to Rogue, a little boutique store that I love. I wandered around the store, enjoying the feeling of shopping at my own pace without worrying where I needed to be next. I decided to treat myself to two new pairs of earrings that caught my eye and liked them so much that I put them on as soon as I got back to my car.

Even though there was nothing particularly special or exciting about these errands, I felt so peaceful and happy while I walked around downtown. I like it here and I feel so lucky to live in such a great place, and even just popping into a couple of local shops and smelling the fresh popcorn as I walk by our movie theater is so enjoyable to me.

Later in the afternoon, Bill and I got to video chat with my parents while my dad opened his Father’s day/birthday gifts from me. They’re headed out on a month-long road trip, and so they won’t be home for Father’s day or the birthday that Dad and I share in July. I wanted to make sure that I got his gifts to him before they left.

Our evening wrapped up with my brother and sister-in-law coming over for dinner and games. I made a big salad, and bought cheesecake that I got from the PCC Community Market here in town.

I’m living exactly the life I wanted for myself and I never want to stop soaking it in and feeling grateful for it.