It’s a new year, a fresh start, a chance to do everything better. People are resolving to hit the gym, finish that major project, or pursue that lifelong unrequited dream. While all those things are great, they may be difficult to achieve over the next twelve months. And so, I have a suggestion for an easy-to-keep resolution that everyone can partake in: resolve not to make any of the following your Facebook status in 2013.
**Disclaimer: This is meant to be funny.
1. I have the best boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/hamster in the world!
While I’m super happy for you that you have this special person (or hamster) in your life, these generalizations are annoying and don’t make for great Facebook statuses. Instead, why not give a little Cliffnotes version of WHY that person (hamster) is the best in the world? For instance: “My wonderful boyfriend brought me flowers and breakfast in bed, how sweet!” If you mention a specific action instead of just informing all your Facebook friends that your sweetie is the bestest ever, people are a lot more prone to liking the post instead of just rolling their eyes and moving on. Also, if that special someone hasn’t actually done something all that wonderful and you’re just in the mood to gush…please, skip the post.
2. Men are such assholes!
I’ve seen this on my feed before and I really can’t stand it. First of all, you don’t see men updating their Facebook statuses to say “Women are such bitches!” And the reason for that is that women would get seriously offended by such a post. There would potentially be an angry mob storming the house of any man foolish enough to say something like that. Secondly, c’mon, all men are not assholes. I know plenty of nice guys out there for whom this absolutely does not apply. The reality is that if you’re writing this as your status, it’s probably because you keep surrounding yourself with people who are assholes and then being surprised and upset when they act as such. Spend less time blaming the entire opposite sex for the crimes of a few and get some better friends.
3. I’m so done!
This (and any variation thereof) is beyond irritating. The obvious next question that you’re waiting to be asked is, “Done with what?” You’re fishing for attention here and you’re not going to get it from me, as I purposely ignore these types of posts. If you feel the need to vent via social media, just suck it up and give us a condensed version of what the hell your problem is. If it’s not something you want to share with all your Facebook buddies, then why post anything at all? Vent to a friend by phone, text, or private message. Don’t sob in public only to reply to the concerned questions of what’s wrong with a vague, “Things are just not going well today”, or other such nonsense. Spare me the drama.
4. Any post that involves changing your relationship status to ‘Single’ just because you’re fighting with your significant other.
Couples fight. Every couple in every relationship has a tiff every now and then. But if I get into an argument with Paul, I don’t run straight to Facebook to unfriend him and change my relationship status. Unfortunately, I know people that do take such dramatic action, only to re-friend and re-update their relationship status in a couple hours once the fight’s blown over. If you really do go through a breakup, that’s sad and I’m sorry for you. But don’t broadcast your split on social media until you’re sure that the relationship really is over…if for no other reason than you’re not going to like it when your boyfriend’s hot childhood best (female) friend comments on the status and says she always hated you anyway, and that comment gets 100 likes.
5. Any posts that rant about how stupid people are in which you misspell a word or use poor grammar.
Let me be the first to tell you: misspelling a word or using the wrong form of ‘your’ when venting about what idiots people can be makes YOU look like the idiot. When I’m scrolling through a feed and come across “People are so dumb today! They do’nt know there left from they’re write!”, I’m going to mentally bitch-slap you. Don’t misunderstand me, I am all about a good anger-infused rant and I urge you to keep them coming, because they’re usually a blast to read. Just don’t call people out for being stupid and then make a mistake that proves you’re stupid too.