Celery Juice Will Probably Not Make You a Wizard

One of my favorite things about the Internet is that it is the place where many pictures of cute cats and puppies are, and also funny memes with lots of sarcasm and just the right amount of swear words to give me a good chuckle when I’m feeling like I might actually say out loud “NOT bless you!” to the guy over the cubicle wall from me who scream-sneezes on the regular (I’m sorry, but at a certain point the volume of a sneeze becomes a choice and it is not one I support). One of my least favorite things about the Internet is that it gives a platform for stupid people and their nonsense and while being stupid is probably not a choice like scream-sneezing is, it can be very harmful when allowed to run rampant.
Today’s case in point is my newest enemy who doesn’t know me, Anthony William, and all of his stupid celery-juicing. I was blissfully ignorant of all things celery, juices and otherwise, until I started seeing stuff on Instagram about how life-changing this stuff apparently was and learned that ol’ Tony over here is the one that is spearheading this new “wellness” trend. According to this dude, if you juice celery and drink it on an empty stomach you will get magical powers and be the wizardiest wizard that Hogwarts has ever seen, or something like that. I looked him up on Amazon and found out that he refers to himself as the Medical Medium, because I guess why the hell not, so he’s over here talking to the ancient spirits and apparently they’re super into the celery juice and want him to tell us mere mortals all about it. His ‘About’ section on Amazon informed me that he “was born with the unique ability to converse with a high-level spirit who provides him with extraordinarily accurate health information that’s often far ahead of its time”, which loosely translated means “figured out that he can capitalize on his conversations with his imaginary friend by telling people to put celery in their KitchenAid Blenders and then drink the sludge because healthy!”, if I’m reading my crazy-to-English dictionary right.
On the most basic level, I guess celery juicing isn’t the very stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of, because intake of vegetables isn’t a bad thing. Sure, by juicing the celery you’re pulverizing out all the parts of it that make it the healthiest and best for you, but people who don’t eat any vegetables at all who start drinking celery juice are still going to experience a net positive. It’s not the encouraging people to drink celery pulp that I have an issue with. What bothers me is that Anthony William, who has no medical expertise whatsoever, is parading around as someone who can give advice on curing things from strep throat to cancer, when in fact he’s just a dude with an Internet connection and possibly schizophrenia. And if people actually believe they’re going to get well by following his advice, potentially choosing his methods over traditional medical treatments from actual professionals, then he is causing real harm.
At best, Anthony William is insane, and at worst he’s a calculating con-man who is preying on the naïve, the desperate, and the sick. Although the end result is no less harmful, I so want him to be the former, because the latter is just so sinister and horrible. Either way, his nonsense is driving me to consult with MY spirit of choice….tequila.

2 thoughts on “Celery Juice Will Probably Not Make You a Wizard

  1. If I didn’t love you before (which I do), I am now ready to drop to one knee and propose because this post is giving me all the heart eyes!! First, I too have a co-worker who is a fan of the scream-sneeze and it simultaneously scares me/pisses me off to no end. It’s just so unnecessary! Yes, we know you have allergies so CUT IT OUT!
    Some of my favorites from this post: Wizardiest wizard, crazy-to-English dictionary, and “he’s just a dude with an Internet connection and possibly schizophrenia.” LOL!! I mean, I literally laughed out loud. That doesn’t happen often when I’m reading things on the internet, so thank you for that.
    Whenever they (being the internet crazies) say “and it cures cancer too!” that is a BIG RED FLAG that they are full shite. I’m preeeeety sure that if your magic elixir really could cure cancer, the Oncology Staff at EVERY HOSPITAL IN THE WORLD would be using it. You can say it cures hives, or ringworm, or bunions and I might be like, well okay maybe, but when they pull out the cancer card….that just makes me mad because at that point they are just insulting my intelligence.
    AND FURTHERMORE (I’m very shouty today), I don’t even like celery when it’s smothered in cream cheese or peanut butter…why would I want to grind it up and drink its pulp????? That’s a hard NO from me.
    Excellent post V!! 🙂

    • Thank you Jill! 🙂
      I’m just going to say it: celery sucks. I will eat it resignedly if it’s mixed into a nice salad, but when I look for things with a nice crunch I’m going to eat chips like a normal person.
      Maybe chip juicing will be the next trend?

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