Don’t Be Gross at Work

It is Monday.

It’s safe to say that my feelings about Mondays pretty closely mirror Garfield the cat’s, although, why does Garfield hate Mondays so much anyways? It’s not like Monday is different than any other day for him. He has no responsibilities and no place to be, he isn’t facing a long commute or a boss who wears wrinkled ties and smells like apple cider vinegar. As far as I can tell that damn cat just lays in his bed every morning until someone forces him to wake up long enough to shove breakfast in his food hole, which would be a nice change from MY cat Saturday who does not lie in his bed until I see good and fit to feed him but instead wakes me up by rubbing his cold wet nose onto my nose and then howling in my face with his tuna breath. At 5am. Even on weekends. I do not think Saturday dreads Mondays at all; in fact, I think he looks forward to them because he knows I have no choice but to get up early and he appreciates the prompt serving of his breakfast on weekday mornings.

And yes, my cat’s name is Saturday. Long story short, he came from a litter of seven so each kitten was named after a day of the week.

Like many people, for my day job I sit in a cubicle and do my work on a computer. Life in a cubicle is not exactly known for being a thrill-a-minute experience, which is evidenced by the variety of articles online about how to make working in a cubicle suck less. To be fair, I’ve had far less ideal work spaces, like when I worked 411 and had to change desks every time I came back from a break, or when I worked in an office that was trying out an “open concept” layout and instead of cubicles we all had desks in a big open space with no privacy whatsoever. It was loud and chaotic and I learned way more about my office mates than I ever desired to know, such as that the woman two desks over from me liked to kick her shoes off and walk around her work area barefoot (yuck) and was also prone to singing songs from The Greatest Showman not quietly. I will never see the Greatest Showman. I refuse. I will not watch it, no matter how much fresh buttery popcorn you promise to plow me with during the showing, because now all I associate it with is bare feet and not-great singing an inappropriate setting.

No one at work wants to hear you sing. Also, no one in public bathrooms wants to hear you sing either, but that’s a rant for another day. Sing in the privacy of your own shower or in your car like a normal person. What is wrong with these people?? Inappropriate singers are the worst. If you disagree with me you can feel free to not bother telling me and if you do I will use your comments for future mockery.

Ahem. Anyway….

After that experience, I was more than happy to return to a traditional cubicle with nice tall walls that I can hang things on and that afforded me privacy and sheltered me from the weirder habits of my coworkers. And as far as cubicles go, I’ve got a pretty decent setup. On the other side of the aisle from my cubicle are rows of shelves, not another cubicle, so there’s no one directly across from me. My coworkers that sit to the left and right of me are quiet and when they eat their lunches at their desks they do not chew loudly, which is very much appreciated because chewing loudly is something that will make me throw things at you and then we’re going to be in a fight when you slurp so loudly that they can hear you in China and then my paper clip lands in your bowl of soup after I sail it at your head and miss.

I’ve been fortunate enough to never really have to deal with loud chewers in the office, although I know others who have not been as lucky as I have. The only real problem child I’ve experienced was a man who sat on the next aisle from me, who shared one cubicle wall with me. I don’t actually know his real name but in my head it’s Phlegmy Fred, because that dude hacked and snuffled and shout-sneezed all day long. To be clear, shout-sneezing is different than regular sneezing; regular sneezing is just a sneeze and you say “excuse me” after you do it and you move on, but shout-sneezing is when you feel a sneeze coming on and you full-on scream “ACHOO!!” as you sneeze. It got so bad, two other people started complaining to me about the sounds Phlegmy Fred was making on multiple occasions. He was grossing everyone out. I am told it actually would get worse as the afternoon moved into evening, so people who worked later and were still in the office around 5:30 really got the final act in the Snuffle Symphony.

Self-awareness is important when you work in close proximity to other people, friends. I recognize that I am both impatient and ill-tempered, but even the kindest and sweetest of coworkers will get annoyed with you if they are trying to work but you are constantly making disgusting noises, or walking around in your gross bare feet on carpet that hasn’t been shampooed since the seventies, or singing songs out loud. Even if no one confronts you about doing these things, your peers are still annoyed with you and there is a good chance that one of them is snarky and will write about you in a blog post to entertain the Internets. You’ve been warned.

2 thoughts on “Don’t Be Gross at Work

  1. Life has been busy, I’m just know catching up on my blog reading!! Just wanted to agree with you that scream-sneezers are the literal WORST. I also work with a scream-sneezer and it simultaneously scares me/pisses me off each time he does it. I mean really, is that necessary? No, no it is not. Learn to sneeze like a normal person Steve!!!

    • Same! Every time he does it, I jump about an inch and then my heart is racing and I’m irritated. I do try and work with earbuds in when I can but sheesh!

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