I think most people who have succeeded at weight loss will agree that one of the scariest thoughts afterwards is “What if I gain it back?”.
For me, that scary thought became reality. I lost weight, felt great, and maintained my new size for a few years, and then put the weight back on. I’ve tried different diets, intuitive eating, programs like Weight Watchers…you name it. Every time I tried something new, I would have some success. And every time, life got in the way and I fell off whatever program I was on. Time and time again over the last four years, I’ve found myself right back in the same old spot, 15 pounds heavier than I was in 2013.
It’s frustrating. It’s heartbreaking.
I used to write about my health and fitness journey frequently. When I lost weight, I blogged about my routine and what worked for me. When I started to gain, I talked about my various diets and attempts to get back on track. Eventually I stopped writing about it altogether, because I was ashamed of my failures and grew tired of putting them out there on my blog.
On Friday night, I pulled out my bin of costumes to pick something to wear for Halloween. I love dressing up and have accumulated a pretty sizeable collection of fun costumes over the years. The problem, I quickly realized on Friday night, is that none of them fit anymore. The ones I CAN squeeze into, I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing. I look just awful in them.
I let myself wallow in my self-pity that night, and then Saturday morning Bill and I got up and worked out. I planned out what I would eat in the coming week. I planned my workouts. By Sunday morning I was ridiculously sore, but I sucked it up and worked out again.
Yesterday I had a long day (not bad at all, just busy) and could have easily made that my excuse to skip working out. But I didn’t do it. I went to the gym after work and took a Zumba class.
I’m going to write about health and fitness again, because I need to rediscover my passion for it. Even if I never fit into my costumes again, I need to be healthier. The truth is that I don’t feel good when I don’t exercise, and when I eat junk. It messes me up both physically and mentally and I know I can do better for myself. And I know writing about it will make me feel more accountable for the choices I make.